They go into deep winter sleep

every year I mean the flowers they get into their long rest for winter to pop up fresh and shinny in spring. Just imagine if humans could do the same, rest for winter to be productive and active in the spring. This will remain as a desire at least as long as I live in this frozen country. Although Sweden is not as frozen as it used to be thanks to global warming and stupid politicians, but let's face it no one gets younger, I have at least learned about my limitations. I know I don't feel good in winter and it doesn't get better. 28 years ago I was looking forward to this day, in my mind 28 years would be long enough for anyone even me to adjust. What I never took into account was the age or Thyroid disorder. I have both to blame and the fact that I was not born to live in a country as cold as Sweden.

How was life hundred years ago in this part of the world one might wonder? to tell you the truth I have no idea and unfortunately I have no past generation to ask them either. You have a limited past created by you when you immigrant to another country. There is no continuance in one's life.

Over one night you loose your country, your family and your friends. You loose your past. It’s like a line ends and you’re forced to start it all over by a dot. How in earth one could believe that life is fair. Anyway the disconnection never ends; it is there no matter how hard you try to ignore it. It creates a missing part, first in your life than in your soul. Deep inside you know what's missing but you don't talk about it. It just pops up every now and then when you're so confused or bothered by something. Like me today so upset with winter...............

Me inside out?

Has been a while, writing doesn't come easy these days. My life is work and family obligation, to be honest I enjoy both a lot, so I have ignored my urge for writing and I don't regret it at all.

I was certain that winter will come with more time for indoor activities, like writing, it's just that days are shorter, darker and colder, well that is how life is supposed to be if you're living in northern Europe I guess, Everything is frozen to hell.
I guess even my soul is of ice now, I don't feel anything but cold chilly feeling of emptiness. I don't even want to start with that freezing cold inside.
Here is an idea, what if I am all inside out!? one feels the cold more if empty inside right?
It's such an intimidating idea, having my inside out in front of the whole world!? No I don't think so. I am just not born for this climate that's all!
I should write about summer to keep myself warm otherwise I might not survive the winter,. Funny after 28 years of living here I'm still complaining about the cold.
One should not blame me, blame biology it failed me , plants adjust to new environments and survive but I don't isn't that sad?
Well every which way I choose today the notes get dark and sad, sorry Let's put an end to today's notes .......

Global silence

Imagine if we could change the world, imagine if we could stop the war, hunger and end poverty in this world. Imagine if we were one, I am sure there are millions of us believing in a world with no war or hunger. Imagine if we all been able to act as one force, one body. We could move this planet if we wanted to. We could end the misery; we would live with respect for ourselves and each other.

This world as it is today, is a horrible place to live, think about how many lives are wasted in streets of Baghdad, or Kabul for nothing. Think about the kids in Palestine, or Israel do they have anything to say about the war going on around them? Is there anyone out there who would ever give a thought before they sign up a war plan, or when they place a bomb waiting for innocent kids in their way to school. Is there anyone crying for their souls except the relatives? What is it we do, the others standing by the side reading it in our morning papers while digesting the breakfast? We leave them behind somewhere in those papers, or in trash baskets. Do we like it, hell not! Do we do anything that shows or describes how it’s felt to have that knowledge, that someone like me, who could be my sister or brother, is devastated over his or her child’s death? Hell no!!!!

When are we going to make a stand for basic human rights, the right to say no more, no more investments on arms? I wonder what it takes to build up that force. What if we would raise a whole generation against war? Who cares who is right or wrong; no conflict should be resolved by arms, ever. How could we justify this global silence? Well if what they say about being placed in hell if committed a crime in this life is true, I am sure we all end up there for this long silence for not acting, or reacting.

Don’t you hate it, I mean when you think about this silence. How long are we all going to keep this bloody silence? What does it take to break it?

The power of mind

Happy to be back at work after one week of staying at home for a bad cold. The sickness forced itself to me despite of my strong denial. This always been my way of pushing back getting sick, by simply not accpeting the fact that I could get sick.

I beleive it's called the power of mind, or something like that. You convince your body to obey your mind, and the mind says you're not sick.

As kid whenever I found things too difficult to handle, I used to tell myself if you can't handle it no one will. It gave me a sense of control and confidence. I apply the same thing when it comes to diseases. I make sure not to have time to receive them. Like a queen not accepting the enemies, and as you know not always the queen is in charge, the intruders barge in despite the queen's strong objection.

I think it comes from dad's reaction whenever we were sick, he used to say stop convincing yourself you're sick when you're not. Your body is fooling you into sickness you can't give in. The funny thing is that to me it was like the other way around, I was fooling my body to feel healthy when it was not. And now I can't say which method or philosophy is applied when it comes to sickness and me, all I know is that the power of mind much more reliable than a sick body don't you agree?

We are meant to be

Be my peace while pain of the past catches up with me
Be my roots when the sadness washes me off my ground
Be my light in the dark places I pass
Be my church, my temple when my soul is on fire
Stay with me when others leave,
and then talk to me and let your voice take me with ecstacy
Open your arms and hide me when there is no shelter
Let your perfect mind touch my body,
let your hands reach my thoughts and
Let your soul capture my heart
Cause that is the way it's meant to be!

Digital world so much safer

We are loosing it, we are loosing it big time. No one listens to people any more and no one cares what the majority have to say, the whole world say load and clear no to every damn war they plan for, it doesn't stop them from starting it. Poeple with power invest their wars with young poeples lives.

No wonder young people join the Second Life. A digital world on the internet. Young people join this world to escape the real one, they rather spend their life and their money on a world doesn’t exists than deal with the real one killing them.

This should be bad news for people with power at the top of the world. You think it ring a bell for these guys to wake up; but the truth is that politicians have lost their touch with reality, after 9/11 they started a campaign to fight the terrorists, after five years they created more terrorists that ever, still they don't get it.

Some one should tell them the truth. Tell them how our next generation are saving themselves by taking distance from these guys. We are witnessing mass immigration into a second life. Real people feel safer in there than homes protected by you guys. In less than 3 years 3,854,258 have been joining this digital world, they are moving in there and taking every thing they have with themselves. Soon they'll have their International meetings, educational systems, sales and advertisements moved in there Even most important thing from your point of view "their spending money….."

Well aren't you going to ask yourself why? in case this question pops up on your mind, I doubt those responsible would dare to do so, they simply see what they want to see. But just in case any of you guys wonders, to find the answer you should take the time and think about what the hell you are doing with this real world , again I doubt it but may be and I say it again maybe you understand why.

Don't I love you if I forget Valentine day darling?

I received a sweet SMS from my sister yesterday; despite of facing yearly valentine flower from my boss on my desk in the morning, I was confused all right. Got happy and felt the joy while reading her SMS, yet wondered if I have done something nice for her lately. I even replied her with a question what? What have I done to deserve this? Later I met her and asked her the same and she said it is Valentine day and I love having you in my life. Then I go Like AAAAAAAAAA!

Was quite upset with myself, for not remembering this day ever, I mean every one does but not me, how come? I don’t think I love others less, it's just that I don’t like conventions.

So here it is :

I would like to say it loud even if it is this once. I love every human in every corner of this world, all year long not just Valentine day, but always. I don't think there is anything wrong with this day either, it is just too commercialized for my taste that's all. So please don't get me wrong I love you all.

Invisible part

I wanted to tell about this another person living in me. I never mentioned this before to anyone, about the silent, distant invisible being, so present in me. Always in the background, this is the best part of me if you ask me. The invisible me, she keeps me from falling, keeping from losing. Not as if I am a kind of person always running for wining situation. My gains are little, unregistered and mostly spiritual.

It is as a separate life was going on somewhere with no connection to what life does to me. It never grows old, it’s never mature it’s not much of a child in me, yet innocent and pure but believe me much wiser than I ever could be.

This is the part helping me in relation with other people; it makes things easy so to say.

In years I looked at it as someone else living in me, luckier than me. As a third person doing everything much better than me, living my life much more than me. I wished we could switch place.

It was only a couple years ago I found out about the true identity of this person. It is me as I wanted to be. You see, there is a person you want to be, there is another person living your life. And there is one other person you present to others as you, when you describe yourself.

Could you believe that this was the real part of me for years without me knowing it. It was like a revelation to me, as if I set her free, to help me out with difficult situations. I didn’t have to do what I was able to do, but what I wished to do. After a while it was even difficult for me to separate us. I don’t think other people could see the difference ever.

I think I am ready to talk about it now, perhaps with my life partner to begin with. His is my angel with no difficulty to make sense of me. His existance in my life had alot to do with the new me or perhaps the appearance of old hidden part of me.

Questions of the day

Here are two questions

• How fun is life when you hear about real people putting ads on net to buy points for higher level in some game? You’re making someone else rich while they shut you in a world that doesn’t exist. What’s wrong with this world we have, why don’t you try to reach new higher level where you actually are and belong?

• Freedom and control, what level of control could be acceptable and not interfering with your personal integrity? Would you feel alright with having your phone calls tapped or emails read by anyone? I don’t know why this issue bothers me so much, I used to say I am the kind of person who could be quite happy living in a house made of glass, don't have anything to hide? But this issue, bugs me cause this is contradictory to freedom of speech and democracy. You could say I am not so much for control. Everyday you learn something new about yourself………ha?

My father and me

My mum would rather ignore me than hear me; this is her way to avoid difficult issues. I know it’s painful, but the words are to be said loud and clear before we see the lights. Dad is not well, talking about it makes her cry. I don’t think she realizes that I know the consequences, or understand her desperate need of dad getting better. She needs her husband and wants him to be as he was before. If we keep silence doesn’t mean he’s fine, it just means we don’t deal with it right now but later. How could later be better for him!?

I hate myself, pushing her, god I love her, more than she could ever imagine, I don’t think she feels any love when we talk about dad.

She knows how much I love dad, I can’t wait he doesn’t have much time; this bloody disease is moving fast inside his poor body. I want to stop its progress or at least slow it down. I really believe he will be in peace with himself, if we accept the fact as it is. This bloody Dementia, I hate it too much to even have any desire to know much about it, but I have to. I just have to for dad.

He is suffering more than any of us; he doesn’t understand it or have any grasp of the situation. Sometimes he just says "I sometimes forget things", sometimes he asks "how come he forgets things?" But it always makes him sad to confront with it. Sometimes he cries, sometimes he hides the tears it aches my heart to feel his shivering inside. It’s as if he wants to scream “could anyone tell me what’s going on with me without hurting my feelings?

He is the best father anyone could wish for; I will be by his side, always. But I wish to do more than just be there for him and mum. Could any one tell me what to do? My father has dementia, and I don’t know what to do…………..

Just love them

I noticed that young people have a lot to tell us; in every which way you can imagine. I take it as education. Trying to learn what pisses them off; you are not supposed to tell them what to do even if they ask for it.

The best way is to ask a lot of questions about the issue, open up the dark corners for them. Corners they wouldn't see, not as if they lack intelligence. It's just not required to see those corners in young ages.
They'll find the answers by themselves eventually, and they do it right in some level. It might not be our way of doing things but who says ours is right.

So why not trust them, help them if we can to achieve what they’re up to. Be proud of them as they are and accept the fact that every individual has the right to live as they like. I’m not saying to ignore them, or not providing them the care they need, but love them right. Don’t try to own them, don’t make them to spend their life in our little boxes, they have access to much wider world, let them discover it, and conquer it. They have the possibility so why not? Instead of being in charge of their life we should try to be the there for them to encourage them and just love them. That would be enough both for them and us.